Relief, Memory, and Moving Forward
Finally... Breathing room.
For the first time in a very long time, I don’t have to answer anything in court, unless the judge specifically orders it. I can finally breathe. It feels like a million bricks lifted off my shoulders, actually… more like being released from an invisible prison.
The constant pressure of responding to every single filing is gone. I can’t explain the weight that’s been lifted. I’m sure he’s reeling right now at the realization that he no longer has that control over me. In some ways, my first thought wasn’t even about myself, but about his wife. I can’t help but wonder whether, without me as the target of his constant legal games, his negative energy will shift toward her. I was also concerned that when the girls went over, he might take his anger out on them, which has happened in the past. So far, I haven’t heard anything about it. Hopefully, he continues to leave them out of it.
Four more of his motions were denied along with the Order for Judicial Relief. That’s a big deal for him, and it only makes me more cautious about what may come next. But for me, this is a turning point.
Stress, Depression, and Memory
Alongside the legal relief, I’ve been reflecting on how years of stress and depression have affected me, especially my memory.
While we have been in the legal system for over eight years now, the stress and depression didn’t start there. My first marriage lasted a little over eight years, plus the year and a half between the start of our separation and the decree. I lived under a cloud of stress because our marriage was not healthy. Looking back now, I can see so much was wrong and brought on its own kind of stress.
I have these pictures of my children when they were little, about three and five. They are at the Sand Dunes with their dad, and with what looks like people he knows. I wasn’t there, and I have no recollection whatsoever of why. I’ve looked at those photos and videos a few times, and it’s like staring into a stranger’s life. The fact that I can’t even remember who the friends were, or why I wasn’t there, bothers me. I should be able to remember something like that.
And it’s not just the past. Even in the present, when I argue or try to recall details to make a point, sometimes my mind goes blank. My husband will ask what I mean, and I just can’t pull the memory forward. It drives me crazy, and honestly, it scares me a bit. For my older self.
For the last eight years of litigation, and the years before that spent in a controlling marriage, my mental energy has been swallowed up by conflict, legal battles, and survival. I know it isn’t my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty. I wanted my focus to be on my children, on my husband, on the life we’re trying to build. Not in courtrooms and motions.
Science shows that chronic stress and depression interfere with how the brain stores and retrieves memories. Cortisol disrupts the hippocampus, the part of the brain that “time-stamps” events. Stress can also block working memory, the mental whiteboard that holds information in the moment. It’s why memories feel slippery, why some are missing, and why others won’t come when I need them most.
That realization has been heartbreaking.
Why I Take So Many Pictures
The girls have asked me why I take so many pictures. The truth is... It’s because I don’t want to forget.
In 2023 and 2024, I didn’t take as many, and I regret it, because I already struggle to recall much of that time. But in general, I have taken thousands of pictures over the last sixteen years. Only recently have I reflected on why: because during and after my marriage, I could no longer trust my memory to hold onto the details. Before I was married, I didn’t need to take so many pictures. It wasn’t until I began living in that stress and abuse that I started compulsively documenting everything, I believe now, trying to protect what I feared I might lose.
I also have another reason I wanted to take pictures. I have nothing but a shoebox of pictures from my childhood. While the technology was not as convenient as it is now, due to our family’s situation, we didn’t have many photos, even for the time. Now that my kids are nearly grown, I’m grateful I did. Still, it’s painful that I can’t always replay those moments in my head. The photos prove they happened, but sometimes I wish my mind could be the camera.
Choosing to Channel Relief
Healing is personal, but it’s also pushing me toward something larger.
Out of all of this, I’m choosing to channel my energy. I was going to join Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence (BTSADV), but then chose not to when I saw a flyer for a different advocacy group hosting a town hall on the broken court system and possible solutions. Ironically, I got the flyer from someone who had seen it on my ex’s social media. Unfortunately, the date had already passed by the time I saw it, but I emailed the founder and received a quick and welcoming response. It felt like a better fit for me, since I want to see the family court system reformed, something that would ultimately help domestic violence victims as well. Now, I’ll be helping voice policy solutions, real reforms that can stop the cycles of abuse and court manipulation that families like mine face.
Here are some of the solutions we’re standing behind:
Equal Shared Parenting Act
Time Taken Time Back
3 Strikes Law
Justice Delayed is Justice Denied
Cameras in the Courtroom
This isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about pushing forward so fewer families get trapped in endless cycles of litigation and control. For the first time in a long time, I feel free enough to put my energy into something that matters beyond myself.
And while I may not be able to recover every memory I lost to stress, depression, and abuse, I can make new ones. The fear of being in court is mostly lifted now, and I can finally focus on what’s most important. This time, I want those memories to stick, not just in photos, but in my heart and mind. Moving forward, taking better care of myself, my husband, and being intentional with the time I have left with my children is my top priority. After everything my husband and I have been through, we need to focus on each other and recalibrate. This is good for everyone.